I Redesign Anheuser-Busch's Super Bowl 2017 Ads

I may have missed my calling as a Mad (Wo)Man. 

This year, picture Anheuser-Busch as a no-nonsense mustachioed man in a plaid shirt with his arms crossed, looking straight at the camera in a way that lets you know he's just like you and that he doesn't put up with any malarky. 

So, basically pretend that Anheuser-Busch is Ron Swanson. Because this year, turn your chairs around to face the opposite way and aim your feet away from people because the tables have turned and your socks are going to be blown off by Anheuser-Busch's new attitude.

Not really, though. Anheuser-Busch is doing what it always does: machismo, bravado, and othering about being for people who "work hard" and don't "fuss" over beer. You can tell they're no-nonsense by the WORDS WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS.

This year, Anheuser-Busch says it will get "back to basics" because its customers want "no bullshit" and "brands that stand for something strong." 

Oooooooooooh, now we know they mean business because they said "bullshit."

Anheuser-Busch said it will deliver a clear message about four of its brands: Budweiser, Bud Light, Michelob Ultra, and Busch. One thing for sure, these commercials are going to be patronizing. According to Anheuser-Busch, customers are being overwhelmed by all the beer choices (beyond Anhesuer-Busch brands) and simply can't choose. Anheuser-Busch sees us all as the people in infomercials who can't function as rational human beings.

We are all just. so. stupid.

When I read about Anheuser-Busch's upcoming Super Bowl ads, I thought, "Hey, I can do that for them." Without further ado, here is what I imagine Anheuser-Busch's 2017 Super Bowl ads will look like, based off their press release.

Bud Light is being portrayed as "Famous Among Friends" because it "helps spark great social moments."

Budweiser ads will "evoke the tale" of co-founder Adolphus Busch.

Michelob Ultra will again be portrayed as the beer for "people with an active lifestyle" and use the slogan "Brewed For Those Who Go the Extra Mile."

Busch, the Ralph Wiggum of the Anheuser-Busch family, will finally get a Super Bowl ad to see if the ad can help the "value brand" increase sales.

Funnier if you read it in Ralph Wiggum's voice.

Funnier if you read it in Ralph Wiggum's voice.

Lastly, I can almost guarantee you're going to hear something about Budweiser being "beechwood aged." THIS IS NOT THE SAME THING AS WOOD-AGED BEERS. I said it in all caps so you know I'm no-nonsense about this. I'll probably make "beechwood aged" it's own Word of the Week, but here is a short explanation of why Budweiser uses beechwood chips in its beer: it speeds up the fermentation of the beer. It has nothing to do with flavor and, in fact, the chips go through an extensive boiling process in sodium bicarbonate (i.e. baking soda) to remove any vestiges of flavor.

So there you go - a sneak peek at this year's Super Bowl ads as imagined by me, plus a little beer basics thrown in since we're getting "back to basics" this year.